Redefining the Journey

I continue to take steps forward on my journey of obedience, but my path has changed. God has moved my path and my direction. I would by lying if I said that I was thrilled that He has changed what He's doing in my life. I think I have finally come to realize that the dreams that I've held so tightly to were mine and not His. About four weeks ago, I began a wrestling match with myself. I don't have any idea what started it, all I know is that one day I looked up straight into the face of this monster that I'd become and decided I was finished. The exhaustion that overtook me was incredible. I knew that it was time to make some changes in my life and in my thinking.

Recapping for those of you who may have forgotten, or who may not even know. . . I'm single. No children. Do not want to be single. Want children. But want to be obedient to all that God asks of me. I had felt an urging that I felt was God to pursue adoption several years ago. Many doors have been closed on my journey.

Having my best friend and her boys live here at my house has been a blessing to all of us. I have learned so very much about myself by having them here. What's that? You'd like to know what I've learned? Well, you know, learning about yourself is never easy. . . but here goes nothing. . .

* I am lazy. (if someone's gonna do it for me, I'll let them.)
* I am the principal. (I want things the way I want them, and by golly, you're gonna do it my way.)
* I am lazy. (my computer and my naps are much more important to me than I had ever imagined before.)
* I'm worthless in the kitchen. (setting off the smoke alarm while boiling water and cooking on an outdoor grill that is located outdoors - true story.)
* I am lazy. (have I mentioned this one already?)
* I'm a horrible housemate. (if it's not mine, I'm not picking it up. If it's yours, I'll badger you to pick it up until you do. If it is mine, I'll pick it up when I want to, so don't you dare tell me to pick it up.)
* I am lazy. period.

All of these things are things that may be true, and of course I try to make a joke out of them, but when the rubber meets the road, they aren't funny. This isn't a joke. These actions and activities hurt those who are around me and who I love.
I have a hard enough time keeping my own room clean and my own laundry done (which I don't do often. . . my best friend can attest to that.) so of course I can't imagine being responsible to or much less FOR someone else in my household.

I absolutely adore teaching music. I can see that God has molded me to be a music teacher for a long time. I love giving all I have in the classroom. Creativity (which I don't have much of) comes out and I love to create something out of nothing. I love to see the light flip on in the eyes of the little ones. But I'll be honest - I give it ALL when I'm in the classroom. My focus is TOTALLY on what I'm doing and making an impact on those little ones that I've been entrusted to. After 6 hours of high energy, excitability, and passion, when I get home, I want to be quiet. Very quiet. I turn the volume of the tv down. I sit quietly and look at the computer. I relish the quietness of the house. Until a certain 14 year old that I love with all my heart comes bounding through the room with a bouncing ball, a weird song, or mindless chatter. And then I become this person that I do not love. I become this person that I do not even like. I become the grouchy old man that no one wants to be around. And it grieves me. It deeply grieves me.

Through my grief, I realized that maybe, just maybe, this quiet urging was God's voice saying that motherhood wasn't for me. Put together all of the things that I am (you know, lazy, ect. . .) with the need that I have for quietness, calmness, and serenity when I get home and I began to really look at myself as those who live with me see me. How on earth could I ever be a good mother if I can't even drag myself off the couch to make myself a grilled cheese? I know. . . I know. . . everyone says, you just do what you have to do. . . but would I?? I mean, really??

All of this soul searching has been very private the last few weeks. Some friends who are very close to me (M, A, G, and S) have all noticed that something is not right, but I haven't allowed them to break in quite yet. It's not easy to come to conclusions and realize that what you've been pining for your whole life is not what God would have for you. But now I am free to let them in as well as anyone else who cares to know. Being a mother is a blessed gift, but not one that I will be recieving. I have been given immeasurable and countless other gifts that I will continue to embrace. Isabella. Finn. Penelope. My new little one coming in Septemeber. The love of friends. The devotion of family. Laughter. Teaching. Chorus. Oh Lord! The blessings flow!!! How have I been so selfish to not embrace these gifts as they've been given to me??

For years and years and years, it's been my prayer that if being a mother was my desire for my life and not God's, then I asked that He'd take my desire away. That desire is fading. Am I sad? Yes, I think I am a little bit sad. But the desire is fading. . . and that's exactly what I asked God to do!!! He's answering prayers for me. The last few weeks have been a true struggle for me because I have seen God answering my prayer.

"I want my desires to be your desires, and if my desires are not yours, please move me out of the way and change my heart."

BUT - when I saw those desires changing I grasped tightly to the strings and wouldn't let go.

"No God! I said it, but I didn't really mean it!!!"

"My child, let them go. They're not mine. Let me heal. Let me love. Let me show you."

"No God! I'm scared!! It's all I've ever known!"

"My child, let them go. Let me heal. Let me love. Let me show you."


How appropriate that on Resurrection Sunday, during the service at church, I had a bit of a rebirth. The song "Healer" by Kari Jobe has always been a favorite song of mine. I had always thought of it as a healing song, asking for physical healing or healing of the heart, but this morning, I saw it in a new light. As I raised my hands (both hands - odd for this old Baptist gal) in surrender, I saw my broken heart with a man-made hole in it the size of my desire for children being lovingly covered by the hands of my Savior.

"I believe You're my healer. I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion, I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus, You're all I need. . ."

I sang as loudly as I could. I stretched my arms as high as I could. I allowed the tears to flow freely. I allowed them to drip down my broken heart and allowed my Savior to collect them. And He did collect them. Each one of them. And His gentle hand began a healing that is like none other. I know He did.

So, the journey is being rewritten. My obedience journey continues to follow Him. My journey continues to seek where He will lead. But with my healing heart, God will show me what He has for me. He will lead. I will follow.

and the healing begins. . . .

. . . . silence. . . .

It seems lately like that's what I hear when I begin to think about what's next for me. Utter silence. A void between my ears that is deafening. A lack of words. Yet, unimaginable sadness will envelope me.

I realize it's been 8 months since I've even given any of my "followers" a look into my life via this blog. For this, I am sorry. To say that I've had nothing to say would be an understatement. Not only has the process of adoption in my life come to a standstill, I don't even see any light at the end of the tunnel. Has God changed my heart about the issue of adoption? An emphatic "NO!" is my answer. I still feel very close to the issue of adoption. Is my health keeping me back? "NO!" I'm working through my issue with the knee, although it will be a lifetime of pain and slow healing. Is it finances? "Um. . .maybe a little". But my God is bigger than my checkbook, savings account, and Roth IRA. (Which is a really good thing, because it is always pretty small!!) So what is it, you ask? Space. Just flat out space. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything. My best friend and her boys living with me has been a blessing for all of us. I'd be a liar if I said that it didn't make me think twice about being a mother. But I'd also be a liar if I said it didn't make me more interested in trying it for myself. When I called my social worker back in May to inquire about beginning the process for a homestudy, she recommended that I wait until I can "prove" that I have the space for a child. So, my next thought was, "Well, I'll just go and buy a bigger house." Yeah, right. Like that's possible right now.

To be brutally honest, I was fairly certain that I had met that certain someone that I would share my life with a few months back. His passion for God's word and gentle kindness for me was incredible. I was falling hard. I was falling fast. Those close to me in my life saw things unfolding for me, and we were all a little surprised. I couldn't help but think that God had not put my adoption plans into motion because He had these "other" plans for me. But when everything panned out, I knew that, as amazing as this man was (and is) God was not calling me to be his wife. I was devastated for both of us. I didn't understand. I was sad. I was angry. After dreaming of the perfect scenario for years and years, my perfect scenario was slipping away from me. And what was worse was it was MY fault. I gained quite a bit of weight. I felt sorry for myself. I snapped at those around me. I wanted to be alone. I'd sit at my desk during my planning periods and stare at the wall. Literally.

Flash forward 4 months - 4 LONG months - and find that I have pulled myself up by my bootstraps and moved on. I thank God for the influence that this man has on my life and for the very special friendship we share. But where do I go from here? There it is again. . . silence. . .

. . . and still more silence. . .

I'm trusting that in the silence that God is glorified and know that He has not forgotten me. I don't know what the silence means. But I will follow Him and trust that He will show me the way that is clear. Would I change my living situation? No. Not until God changes it. I love having a house full of people (although I don't have ANY privacy anymore, LOL!) and I love having people here that are blessed because I am sharing my space. I want them to stay as long as God continues to provide for them in this way. I consider it a joy and a blessing that they are here. But I do feel that my situation calls for me to step aside and allow God to work in His time. I want to step to the side and let the Lord show me my next step. Unfortunately, the Lord is asking me for something that I'm not very good at. . .

. . . silence. . . .